Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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