it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
