I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
