I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
