I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
