I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
