i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
