I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
