I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
