apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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