you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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