Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just gift wrapped bread.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
