I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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