I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize