i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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