peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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