Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
