The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She even gives head with a lisp.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
