soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
