Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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