His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
