I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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