Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
