I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
