mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I wanna passion pit in your ass
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
