So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
