Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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