My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
