cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
false alarm, still single
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
