Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
