should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
