I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I love having hate sex.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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