i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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