my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize