Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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