I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
