i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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