party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Acid is not a monday night drug
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize