the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
