take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
soo... how was my night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
