I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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