Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
