i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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