I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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