dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
