I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
