sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
