you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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