You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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