do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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