you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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