he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think your dad took our porno
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i think i just lost a toe
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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