i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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