The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
