This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
