I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
