Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
