The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
