If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
