I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
