Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
